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Joke of the Day

"I need to go Wal-Mart but I don't wear pajamas, I'm not a NASCAR fan and I'm not fat. This is what I call a conundrum."

"""Here's Ted with the weather."" ""..."" ""I said... Here's Ted with the weather."" ""..."" ""Ted?"" ""THAT's what an unanswered text feels like, Sue."""

"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room because it's black."

"I'm so broke... I gotta jerk off the dog to feed the cat"

"I was doing the dishes and i realized.. If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable."

"I found out I'm a necrophiliac. How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff."

"Cute things to call your girlfriend/boyfriend 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Egg 5. 1/2 lb butter 6. Stir 7. Pour into pan 8. Preheat to 350"

"What is an ear of corn's favourite Leonardo DiCaprio movie? Inception"

"I'm a bisexual who just broke up and is now single. I guess you could say I'm on standbi."

"Today is 4/22! If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22"