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Joke of the Day

"""Sir, I need you to explain your resume."" Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters ""Current job?"" I pee on things I don't like"

"CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face."

"I hate when I sit on the toilet and my legs fall asleep ..because then they can't sleep when I go to bed"

"What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? The slow swimmer"

"I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender... ...to shake things up a bit."

"When people talk to me I cut them right off and say ""I don't believe a god damn thing you just said"" then start making otter noises."

"did you hear about the flaccid, chinese penis that ran for presidency? He didn't stand a chance in the erection."

"I'm angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday"

"I went into a French restaurant and asked the waitress... 'Have you got frog's legs?' She said, 'No, my jeans are just a bit tight.'"

"I drank way too much yesterday and took the fattest girl home. I ended up hammered and waisted."