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Joke of the Day

"dry skin? flaky scalp? discoloration? scaling? tongue bifurcating all by itself? hissing? legs fusing together? recently evicted a gypsy?"

"Sometimes when you eat too much carrot, you turn orange and you run for presidency."

"1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life's many disappointments"

"I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit."

"How do you clear out a synagogue call the irs"

"What is 1x times D xD"

"How does every racist joke start? [looks over both shoulders]...."

"Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out."

"My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror."

"That gunk in your eyes when you wake up is dried ghost ejaculate."