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Joke of the Day

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I came to work naked. I want to be a porn star. Now I'm just unemployed."

"When everything comes your way.. You are in the wrong lane"

"You remind me of my step-son... I'm only nice to you because I'm fucking your mother"

"What is the only alcoholic beverage Muslim extremists are permitted to drink? Smirnoff ISIS"

"""We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair."" -Every store ever"

"I have a new theory about the most effective way to sabotage condoms... ... but you'll probably just poke holes."

"Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately"

"If you ever get a job at a bank, take care not to slice your hand open while handling notes and coins. If that happens, you'll be sure to get a pay cut."

"I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back."

"How do you spell moron? M O R M O N"