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Joke of the Day

"What do you say to an alien with two heads? Hello. Hello."

"Wanna hear a joke? Me too"

"Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles."

"It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is."

"I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley."

"Police are on the lookout for a magician dwarf who escaped prison. They're looking for a small medium at large."

"I tell pissed off women to ""calm down"" So yeah, I'm into extreme sports."

"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side."

"Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself."

"How does a one armed man row a boat? In a circle."