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Joke of the Day

"So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans."

"If we are a country committed to free speech then why do we have phone bills?"

"How did the vegetable farmer fix his flat tire on his truck? with asparagus..."

"Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder."

"once i saw a horse standing next to a car and when someone remote unlocked the car, the horse got spooked and kicked in the passenger door."

"I went to a onesie-themed NYE party... ...everyone was appalled when I turned up wearing just a belt."

"I'm going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they'll let me take."

"Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them."

"You know what's pretty cool? A cellar :)"

"No one seems to care how NYC's smallest residents are handling this heatwave, which is why I'm asking you to join my Shave The Rats campaign"