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Joke of the Day

"I'm sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it's only a matter of time before nothing happens."

"Did you hear about the joke about the broken pencil? Well, there-- Nevermind, it's pointless."

"What's the abominable snowman's favourite food? Spag-yeti."

"A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth. He didn't live to tell the tail."

"Just saw a guy wearing sunglasses on the back of his head practicing his golf swing empty-handed. Hope my daughter's a lesbian."

"Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta"

"[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers] And here we see these little liars hopping on sand."

"What's the gayest way to die? Prince died from the flu ... Theraflu?"

"Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE."

"They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance... They wanted to know when it'd be due by"