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Joke of the Day

"My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter."

"[interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?"

"I watched two gay guys put up a tent today.... ...that was a camp sight."

"Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here. Well done the UK. Well done."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."

"""For a really awkward time, call me."" -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls."

"DOCTOR: ""Ok, now PUSH!"" WOMAN IN LABOUR: ""Should I be doing this in my state?"" DR: [leaning out of car window] ""Less talky, more pushy."""

"Policeman: I suppose you're going to tell me you weren't speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all right but I was testing you to see if you were paying attention."

"What did the prostitute say when she saw Lamar had OD'd? O DANM!"

"What did the computer technician say to the woman about her virus infected laptop? ""Ma'am, we cleaned your dirty bits and suggest getting a bigger hard drive"""