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Joke of the Day

"As a form of protest against non-moving escalators, I get on and just stand there. Hours sometimes. It's not like I have anywhere to get to."

"I moved to Australia, I've never been so appreciated! I've had so many offers to ""Get F**ked!""... I have the pick of the litter!!"

"My career is in ruins. It's fucking great being an archaeologist."

"I've never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car."

"I'm almost always naked when ordering food It really weirds out the drive-thru attendant"

"What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already."

"Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media. Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party."

"What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power? A fission-chips shop."

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."

"If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition."