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Joke of the Day

"My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant."

"A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you're at it, why don't you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit"

"What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim"

"What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole."

"If Microsoft releases a car... If Microsoft releases a car called Win10 . The same car would fit all size of drivers, from ants to Whales."

"Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live... But I'm still not paying the ransom."

"I got tasered by a female cop the other night.. never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty."

"Listening to music can be dangerous... Some of the notes are sharp."

"I ate catnip today. I enjoyed it, but the cat sure didn't."

"I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist."