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Joke of the Day

"What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store."

"- Judy, you have such a great taste! - Steve, stop biting me!"

"If you're a girl and you get a ticket for going 5-10 over the speed limit, you might want to think about plastic surgery."

"My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I'll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards."

"So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear ""Go towards the light."""

"Joke of the Day 6/13/14 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair."

"I like playing chess with bald men in the park... although its hard to find 32 of them."

"I saw a girl texting while driving the other day.. it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her."

"if i'm bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i'd have to login using facebook, i'd be fine w/just dyin"

"Use ""damn it"" instead of ""dammit,"" but avoid cursing unless OH SHIT DAMN IT WHO FORGOT TO GET FUCKING COFFEE."