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Joke of the Day
"*whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby"
Next Joke
"My week is just five days of wishing I had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing I had something to do."
"My friend begged me to stop playing Wonderwall I said maybe."
"*bark* ""What's that Lassie?"" *bark bark* ""Timmy's stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?"" *bark* ""Ooh, dinnertime."""
"Either a lying war criminal endorsed by the KKK or a Neo Nazi reality TV star are going to be President of America. It's not funny. But it is a fucking joke. America, sort your shit out."
"How many Pao's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you."
"What do vegan zombies say? GRAAAAAAINS!"
"What's the most obvious slang word in the Star Wars universe? Yo, duh."
"[vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please."
"Have you read that new book on antigravity? It's hard to put down!"