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Joke of the Day

"Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie :) Me: No it's ok, I have my own account [60 years later on deathbed] Me: Wait a minute"

"Next Battlefield map set in Nepal. It's made using groundbreaking technology."

"guy next to me on my flight is just staring forward. no movie, no book, nothing. so its been nice knowing you I'm about to be murdered"

"My momma always said life is like a load of laundry. Sometimes you gotta separate the colors from the whites."

"I hate it when my girlfriend tells me she's about to come I have shitty cellphone reception."

"My favorite drinking game is that one where you drink every time you have access to booze."

"dentist was flossing my teeth & said ""they're very tight"" & I said ""yeah they're homies"" & he laughed so loud that it made me uncomfortable"

"What's the point of going to somebodys funeral? It's not like they are coming to yours."

"Please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here."

"My friends ask me why I play soccer even though I'm not very good at it. just for kicks"