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Joke of the Day

"psychic: ""I see... I see kids in your future"" me: ""but I've had a vasectomy"" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] ""This's bullshit"""

"[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?"

"What did the elephant say to the naked man? ""How do you breathe through that thing?"""

"When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at ""replicate and repurpose functionality"" than ""copy and paste."""

"Has your mom ever caught you masturbating in the closet? Great hiding spot, isn't it?"

"[police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass."

"When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic."

"Job interview Hiring manager: so, according to your resume you have listed ""can pee with a boner"" as a skill Me: yea bruh I guess u can say its kinda hard Manager: wow lol you're hired"

"What does a whore call a bus load of men? Meals on Wheels"

"I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie."