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Joke of the Day

"Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on ""America's Most Wanted."""

"What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter? Best vicious . . ."

"Egypt. Palin. Walmart. Facebook. KE$HA. Bieber. Typos. Snow. Zombies. Superpowers. FFs. Your mom. Boom, I just won Twitter."

"I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole."

"How are asymptotes like women? You can get close to it, but you can't touch it"

"5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - ""wrong password"" - ""we need to talk"""

"I've got a mentally disabled flamboyantly homosexual friend. I describe him as being flame retardant."

"Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma? It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable."

"My wife asked me 'What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? And if you haven't figured it out by now you'll never figure it out will you.'"

"Instead of recommending more people to follow, Twitter should recommend that I shut this computer off & get on with my life"