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Joke of the Day

"Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life."

"What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!"

"Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone."

"If I ever have a daughter I am naming her Everest. That way her boyfriends can say they Mount Everest."

"I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident. Happening."

"Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*"

"What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? Black Jews have to get in the back of the oven."

"I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard."

"Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship."

"""They're like a sponge at this age"" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with."