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Joke of the Day

"That chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment."

"You might as well shoot for the stars because... Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing."

"What does a battery have that a women hasn't? A positive side...."

"Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice."

"What do you say about a man with premature ejaculation and severe diarrhea? Easy come; easy go."

"We should have known communism would fail In hindsight there were a lot of red flags"

"There is nothing more hypocritical than a Buddhist saying, ""YOLO"""

"My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)"

"[Airport security supervillain screening] AGENT: Spell 'haha' ME: OK, 'M',-- AGENT: ur under arrest"

"Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly."