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Joke of the Day

"There are only 2 branches of the military... There are only 2 branches of the American Military: the Army & the Navy The Air Force is a corporation. The Marines are #*?& cult."

"I don't like telling fat jokes They weigh too much on my conscience"

"Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!"

"What do you call a bored motherfucker? Grandpa"

"[the followin is based on a true story] *clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year* Narrator: its like he forgets its there"

"When somebody sends me a ""k"" text, I assume they forgot the rest of ""fuc_ you"", so I make sure to correct them."

"I asked mom once how she knew dad was ""the one"". ""because,"" she replied, ""DNA tests don't lie."""

"Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request."

"Why did the Polar bear struggle in geometry class? Because the teacher was a Cartesian bear."

"How do you make a cat go woof? Paraffin and matches."