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Joke of the Day

"That group of millionaires owned by that one millionaire is beating that other group of millionaires owned by that other millionaire. Yes!!!"

"Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram."

"Missed connection. You cut in front of me at Starbucks in May, 2009. I finally thought up a witty response."

"Ever heard of a 6.9? It's just another great thing ruined by a period."

"God said He loves me? That's awkward. Tell Him I want to see other people."

"Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana? They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin!"

"Need an ark? ..I Noah guy."

"What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae"

"My voicemail greeting: Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me."

"The new Linkin Park album"