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Joke of the Day

"I don't understand how many blueberries you're supposed to eat in one sitting. 10? 2,000? There's no natural stopping point."

"I'm rubber, you're glue, we're both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us."

"""Want to get a drink?"" ""Later:"" ""How about now?"" ""Later."" ""Now?"" ""Later."" ""Now?"" --If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black"

"I can't wait to get home and rip my wife's knickers off... They're bloody killing me!"

"A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. I said about 30 minutes"

"People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society."

"If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?"

"I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it."

"Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch"