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Joke of the Day

"I just bought a used time machine on craigslist. They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore."

"Me: Forgive me father I have sinned Priest: Get out of my house M: But it's a big sin P: *sigh* Speak child M: I broke into your house"

"What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? ""Hey what's eating you?"""

"Adam was the original sex-positive feminist... He was ribbed for her pleasure."

"Humans: we're not like snakes Also Humans: mmmm eggs"

"You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER."

"I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule."

"My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn't happen. I think I'm raising a politician."

"People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year"

"A man goes to a library and asks for a book on Suicide The Librarian says: Fuck off, You wont bring it back."