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Joke of the Day

"I'm leaving for London tomorrow. It's going to be really weird Tweeting from the left hand side of the road."

"""Who watches this shit?"" - Me, watching shit"

"How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box."

"What do the English and Welsh have in common? Kids are their definition of a good time."

"Her: Is breakfast almost ready? Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage. Her: Can't we please wait till after breakfast for that?"

"[7am] *drinks 19 cups of coffee for work *can't stay awake [9pm] *takes a sip of coffee [2am] I should vacuum the dog"

"CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on"

"When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I'm having the same talk with them about the Reply All button."

"Four Catholic Men... (Catholic Joke) [http://agentfunny.com/four-catholic-men-joke/](http://agentfunny.com/four-catholic-men-joke/)"

"Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there."