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Joke of the Day

"I once met a man from Nantucket... I don't know the rest, so fuck it."

"My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that."

"Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free."

"Why did the blind guy crashed his car into another car? Because he forgot to check his blind side."

"Where do epileptics love to eat? Little Seizures"

"When I was your age... When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what? We were thankful."

"You can lead a horse to water... but you can't make it drink, unless you have someone to hold his head under while you suck at his ass like a straw."

"How do you tell a friend their breath stinks without being rude? ""I'm bored, let's brush our teeth!"""

"What do you call a midget psychic wanted for murder? A small medium at large."

"If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me... And then plug me back in. See if that works."