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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand."

"I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame."

"Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.. Okay I'm done"

"If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene."

"[dog park] Dog: omg I just found out I'm adopted Other Dogs: [barking in shock]"

"The longer a Facebook photo of someone's kid goes unliked, the stronger I become."

"What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House."

"The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours."

"""I don't follow her so whatever you do, don't LIKE one of her Instagram photos or she'll know we're looking at them."" -Why 2015 is confusing"

"I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground... Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance."