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Joke of the Day

"Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop"

"When fighting clowns, never hesitate. Go straight for the juggler."

"Dad got me the other day... Me: I can't sleep... I'm just going to stay up for a bit... Dad: What do you mean you can't sleep? It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*"

"The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, ""You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs."" The man chose the latter. He died."

"*goes 100mph in Prius *gets pulled over by police Cop: HOW"

"A friend bet me I couldn't piss in a Dyson Airblade Boy, did that blow up in my face."

"Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying ""sorry for the damage."" Film reactions. Profit."

"what's the difference between fish and meat? yer not supposed to beat yer fish -Red Fox"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Coffin ! Coffin who ? Coffin and spluttering !"

"Did you hear about Divorced Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff. stolen from /u/LazzzyButtons"