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Joke of the Day

"Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop"

"Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger? To breed a Kennedy that could take a bullet."

"My 10 year old: ""If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first."" Me: ""What?"""

"Why is a guy in the Navy called a seaman? You are what you eat!"

"Roses are red Violets aren't ferns Since I've been with you When I pee it burns."

"Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no..."

"I know this gay person whose boyfriend took too much Viagra once. I hate how he's always butthurt about it."

"How do you kill a hipster? by drowning them in the mainstream"

"Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep."

"""Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf."" ""Well, describe the symptoms for me."" said the Doctor. ""Alright,"" said the patient ""Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer's bald."""