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Joke of the Day

"My top 5 exercises: -jumping to conclusions -flying off the handle -carrying things too far -dodging responsibilities -pushing my luck"

"Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: ""Who's that next to you?"""

"My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun I responded, ""Because of those fucking decepticons!"" I laughed. She laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."

"What happens when a sweatshop gets busted? The entire outfit is compromised."

"Why is the beach wet? Cause the seaweed"

"*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets *tweets embarrassing sober ones"

"what is an pirates fav element potassium because pirate doesnt want scurvy. it not argon k?"

"I don't see the fun in putting money on the railway track. The bill flew away, so I put a rock on top of it. Now I'm going to Guantanamo."

"Other Trump supporters might be racist, but I'm not. My girlfriend's black. But only the area around her eyes where I punch her."

"For my birthday my friends got me a sweater. I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine."