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Joke of the Day
"People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them."
Next Joke
"Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*"
"A husband and wife were found smothered in their bed... Detectives called it the pillow case..."
"Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense."
"billy joel: we didn't start the fire detective: I haven't mentioned a fire billy joel: shit"
"If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke."
"Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot Me: *kisses her neck* H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it's freezing in here"
"The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie. Whoever wins, we lose."
"We've all been there. In your mom, that is."
"I can't have teamwork at League of Legends because... the only people listening to my calls are the NSA."