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Joke of the Day

"Hooters finally hired me but I have to wear a smock to cover up my weird nipples"

"[in space] ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions ME: Haha I don't think so A: They can seem real GANDALF: Don't believe him ME: I don't"

"Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife? Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool"

"*catcher puts 1 finger down* *pitcher shakes head* *puts 2 fingers down* *nods* (catcher to umpire) ""can we take a break? he has to poop"""

"How do you stop an Italian from talking? Tie his hands together"

"Before you judge someone... Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes."

"Duct Tape is a lot like The Force It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together."

"I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Benjamin ! Benjamin who ? Benjamin the blues !"

"#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don't know who's calling."