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Joke of the Day

"When I got pregnant people would always say 'eating for two now are we?' I'd tell them to bugger off, I'm not cutting down."

"To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is."

"How much money do gay bars make? A buttload."

"I masturbated in the shower... I just wanted to come clean. Came up with this earlier, I guess it could've been relevant in /r/showerthoughts"

"I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves."

"Me: I'll have a Dr.Pepper. Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: Is he a doctor?"

"Atheism just made less sense to me once I saw my neighbor Karen's tits."

"What did the armless warrior say to his opponent before battle? You're about to meet da-feet!"

"My kids are always accusing me of having a ""favorite child"" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them."

"Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks."