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Joke of the Day

"*on time travel bus* oh you're going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour '98 t shirt*"

"These fall allergies are on me like the NYPD 'Cause I can't breathe."

"Being a Miami Heat fan is like high fiving Starbucks employees while the locally owned coffee shop across the street boards up its doors."

"When chemists die, ...do they barium?"

"A son tells his father that the first driving lesson was great. Until the police stopped the stolen car!"

"My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus"

"*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage* ""I'm so surprised!"" Yes it's a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn't have thumbs so"

"I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake."

"Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter! Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you."

"I'm so tired I could eat a horse."