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Joke of the Day

"*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*"

"Screw it, I'm starting Friday now."

"What kind of birds do you usually find locked up ? Jail-birds !"

"I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's ""The Final Countdown"" during the last 30 seconds."

"All knives are cutting edge technology. ... Or maybe just cutting technology."

"Why can't Bruce Jenner drive a KIA? Because they have tranny problems too"

"At first i was feeling a little grumpy, Then I was feeling happy, then a little sleepy and finally a little bashful. I am no longer welcome at my daughters school play of Snow white and the 7 dwarfs"

"I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He's 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this."

"So it's legal to sleep on a pillow but illegal to hold it over someone's face until they die? Ugh, government"

"Did you know light travels faster than sound? That's why some people appear bright (until you hear them talk)."