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Joke of the Day

"Why do hipsters love 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? because it was the first Indie film."

"What did Santa say at the brothel? Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!"

"Bathrooms without noisy ventilation fans make me feel unsafe"

"In Hell, you're surrounded by people saying 'suposably' and 'irregardless.'"

"[on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*"

"Hey all Hot Girls. I'm starting to think that all your phone numbers don't start with a 555-"

"Have you seen the movie constipated? It hasn't come out yet."

"[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo"

"[work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*"

"I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit."