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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest."

"Last night, Daredevil beat me up and took my money. I was robbed blind."

"Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*"

"Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks."

"""I'm wet and have crabs."" That's what sea said."

"Why don't I enjoy certain middle eastern food? Because it just makes me falafel."

"On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up."

"Well, I've got to hand it to you. -Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race."

"Want to hear a word I made up? Plagiarism"

"Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun."