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Joke of the Day

"My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore. It's because she keeps me in Czech."

"LPT: How to keep time on your hands Get a watch."

"Moratorium on the word ""Awkward."" We're all awkward. We fart when we don't want to and that guy/gal over there is cooler. Get over it."

"My mom's late for everything, and it irritates the hell out of me. For example, last week she drove me to an abortion clinic."

"Coming Out Girl: Dad Dad: yeah? Girl; I have Bad News Dad: What Is It Sweetie?? Girl: I'm A Lesbian... Dad: Ok... Other Sister: I'm Lesbian Too Dad: Does Anyone In This Family Like Boys!!! Son; I Do"

"So, I was bragging about watermelons look like to my friends now she says we cantaloupe."

"A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers."

".@petco None of the pets I purchase from you shrug and say ""It's a living"" when I use them in place of household appliances."

"Why wouldn't Jeffery Dahmer go down on Terri Schiavo? Because cannibals don't eat vegetables."

"""You're mother."" (thing to say to your mother)."