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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the Bourne identity movie? Matt Damon returns in ..........Still Bourne"

"Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals."

"Lock myself in the bathroom for an hour and a half to get ready. Come out looking exactly the same, but my phone's at 9% and I have to pee."

"Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding...."

"My dick is like a polygraph... It's only reliable fifty percent of the time"

"Why did they fire Victoria? Was she keeping secrets? What is Victoria's Secret?"

"My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, ""it goes by so fast."""

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it."

"Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster."

"Duck jokes really quack me up."