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Joke of the Day

"I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant ""PANIC!"" not ""Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"""

"Apparently the stock downturn has a lot to do with a big gas plant going offline. I guess the gas was argon."

"My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me"

"What's the difficult part about having a dingo for a pet? It takes 10 months to give it a good meal"

"What happens to someone who gets attacked by bees? They get bee'd up"

"A smoke detector is a sophisticated device designed to inform you that your smoke alarm is working. But seriously keep your batteries in it people. If you don't you'll die, maybe."

"Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always."

"The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club People are dying to get in"

"My first language is condescension. You wouldn't understand it."

"Michael Schumacher has spoken out about global warming, in a statement he said ""Things are getting pretty bad, just yesterday I was skiing and when I woke up this morning it was summer"""