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Joke of the Day

"hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for"

"People who say they don't know how to lie are lying."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three HOs."

"What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you 1!!"

"Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome."

"Next year is going to be directed by Hideaki Anno... It'll be 2015+1"

"When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, ""she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy"" not ""drinking alone 2 nights in a row"""

"I wake up every morning feeling like a Japanese democracy. Huge erection."

"Why wasn't Skrillex allowed on the fishing trip? He keeps dropping the bass"

"So I Was Going to Kill Myself But I hear whales are endangered."