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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a group of retards in a sauna? Steamed vegetables."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? It wanted to get to Hungary."

"How do you keep a blonde waiting? I'll tell you tomorrow."

"I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, ""YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."""

"*wife phones* ""Hi!"" ""Hi! Did you clean the house?"" ""Uhh...YUP!"" ""OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?"" ""Yes, about 2 hours."""

"I used to live in a tea cup I know what you're thinking, pour you"

"[harsh] I'm very open-minded, if I have a daughter she can be whatever she wants when she turns 18: stripper, whore, you name it ...because by then she's gotten too old for my tastes anyway."

"I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes. 'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!"

"Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it. *hangs up* Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-"

"Anal piercings are just a pain in the ass I'm so sorry"