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Joke of the Day

"[lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]"

"The melons Why did the melons get married in a church? Because they cant-elope."

"To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy."

"Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple."

"Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*"

"A grasshopper walks into a bar... A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""hey, I got a drink named after you!"" The grasshopper says, ""hey you got a drink named Steve?!"""

"Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles! Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!"

"My new job has me up at 1 AM every morning in my front yard with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It doesn't really pay much but I make dew."

"Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not"

"Why did the superconductor eat all the pudding? It couldn't resist."