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Joke of the Day

"I grew a beard thinking it would say ""Distinguished Gentleman."" Instead, turns out it says, ""Senior Discount, Please!"""

"Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. Police think he topped himself."

"When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now."

"Stephen Hawkins goes on a date.... he comes back a couple of hours later with broken glasses, grazed knees, twisted ankle. She'd stood him up."

"Preacher: God's love is unconditional! Me: Then why is there a hell? Preacher:...... Me: Your move."

"I'm reading Lord of the rings, Galndalf just died... My wife asked me if Snape killed him."

"Me: Did you hear that? Her: Go check it out Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first Her: You'll be alright"

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die."

"Unless: -The house is on fire -The cops are about to kick down the door -Or you're ordering food Do NOT talk to me while I'm on the toilet"

"Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4."