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Joke of the Day

"My friend has a real bad drug habit Its so bad i found him snorting shake and vac off my carpet last night.............he is clean now."

"""Why don't you trust me?"", she texted both the guys simultaneously."

"Date: Lets break the ice. Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?! D: I mea- PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA"

"If you ever think you're not creative, buy a Bowflex and marvel at the creativity of your excuses not to use it."

"I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids"

"What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money? Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)"

"It's like the TSA doesn't even care relationships end cause we can't run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane."

"I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds."

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round... and laughed..."

"A kid is playing with his Testicles, while his mom baths him... ""Mommy is this my brain?"" ""Not yet sweetheart, not yet"""