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Joke of the Day

"Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single"

"My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison."

"I'm afraid of Spotify ruining music the way Facebook ruined friends."

"priest: ""does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?"" me: ""SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS"" priest: [slowly closes bible]"

"Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender yells, ""we don't serve your type in here."""

"How do you catch a rabbit? You hide in a field and make carrot noises."

"How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson? it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in."

"2 peanuts walk into a bar... One was a salted"

"Car company executives must have the best memories in the world because GM recalls everything."

"Got into an argument with a cripple and won. He didn't have a leg to stand on."