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Joke of the Day
"Pizza is like sex I only get it from Papa John"
Next Joke
"What do you call an Eskimo optometrist? ...An optical Aleutian. I actually made this one up. But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised."
"Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?"
"[slides briefcase of money across the counter] ""two big macs please"" [opens briefcase to reveal $7]"
"I think the girl I just met may be a goddess... because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name."
"A great way to relieve stress from work & family is to go for a run. Don't stop running til ur in a new town w/ a new life. You're free now."
"I came....I saw.... I'm a lumberjack who needs to stop watching porn & get a *life*...."
"What did the abused wife say about her husband? Beats me."
"I always keep two kinds of birth control available: condoms (cling wrap), and ""fancy"" condoms (condoms)."
"5yo: I want a snack. M: You can have a yogurt smoothie. 5: I NEED CHOICES! M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing."