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Joke of the Day

"Have you seen the movie - Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!"

"The Venn diagram of ""stuff I was supposed to do today"" and ""stuff I did today"" is two separate circles and the second one is a pizza"

"HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise."

"""I'm up for anything"" - penises"

"Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? She heard there was a man laying bricks and she wanted to see it with her own eyes."

"Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with ""I'm too drunk, you get in."""

"Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race. Edit: Grammar"

"What's the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner? Just be *honest* with it man..."

"I have a flight to catch but there is a cat on my lap"