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Joke of the Day

"What's the most annoying part about waking up to find a penis drawing on your face? Figuring out how to make it stop."

"What kind of bee can never make up its mind? A maybe"

"My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery."

"Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell."

"Going to a wedding today: Me: Do I look ok boys? 6: You look fine. 9: You look wow. Clearly I have work to do with the little one."

"11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one."

"I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter."

"A chemist and his friend walk into a bar... The chemist asks the bartender for some H2O. His friend is trying to be cool and says ""Hey, I'll have an H20 too"". Then the friend dies."

"Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof."

"What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows"