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Joke of the Day

"If I eat lots of preservatives, won't I live longer? No, but you will have a longer shelf life."

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.... Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family."

"Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it's 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled ""FINE THEN, I'M GOING TO BED!"" So you be the judge."

"How do Reavers clean their spears? They run them through the Wash. (In honor of the late Shepard Book. RIP)"

"Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are a fruit Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"Did you hear about the bear attack at that Chinese Zoo? It was Pandemonium."

"My voicemail message is a 20 second recording of me sighing."

"What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets? Max"

"Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment."

"Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it's actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us."