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Joke of the Day

"[at the mall] ""Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?"" ""Of course."" [leans in to mic] ""Goodbye you little shit."""

"Text ""BONER"" to 69696 to donate $69 dollars to the Rad Cross"

"Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says ""Say goodbye to your family"""

"I saw a sign that said ""watch for children"" and I thought.. .. ""That sounds like a fair trade"""

"Where did Lisa go during the bombardment.. Everywhere"

"PC problem Political correctness has become so oppressive. I can't even say ""Black paint"" anymore, I have to say ""Jamal would you please paint that fence?"""

"My friend gets pissed when they call his phone a droid I told him: it's **An**droid, after all."

"a group of kittens is called a litter because kittens are garbage"

"Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin, can't believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!"

"*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*"