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Joke of the Day

"My favorite band I don't normally say I have a favorite band, but if someone held a gun up to my head, I'd probably say The Killers."

"A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting. So we stopped playing chess."

"13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go"

"My wife was shocked when she came home from work last night. I'd wired the door handle to the mains."

"Doctor Doctor, my period wont end! I am so sorry... I think that you have caught feminism"

"My son, you were thrown out of school today for letting a girl jerk you off. Son, that's three schools this year... Maybe teaching isn't for you."

"If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking."

"Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!"

"Telepathy ""Huh?"" Telepathy ""Ok...let's move on. What"" Telepathy ""Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?"" *rolls eyes* Telepathy"

"At first, I didn't like my haircut. But then it grew on me."