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Joke of the Day

"The camera adds 10 pounds but a barbershop smock and fluorescent light is more like 25."

"Did you hear about the actress that got stabbed last night? Reese... Reese something..."

"Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH"

"The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole"

"Meghan Trainor songs: -All About That Bass -Flounder's Good Too -Also I Like Shrimp -Wait, I'm a Vegan -All About That Kale"

"""wow with attitude like this do you even have friends"" me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it"

"What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools? I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools."

"I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don't get too excited."

"Why was General Yoda afraid of April? Because March, April May."

"I'm just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window."