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Joke of the Day

"The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son's grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads."

"Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you."

"INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength ME: ... INTERVIEWER: ... ME (38 minutes later): I'd say promptness"

"Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia."

"Who's the biggest prostitute in history Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died."

"""Maybe again but kind of bad?"" - sequels"

"What do Lewinsky, Monroe, and Reddit have in common? They all went down on a President."

"My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I'm going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one."

"I named my penis Truth... Because bitches can't handle it!"

"The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name."